Summer Begins!!

Today was my last day of school and I'm officially a senior!  Except my senior year is cut really short because I'll be graduating early in November.  In reality I have 3 months of school and then I'm done with high school!  I'll still be going to the graduation ceremony and receiving my diploma.  In order to conclude this year, I'm going to recap some of the important things I've learned this year.  The first thing that comes to mind is the amount of friendships I lost this year.  Some of those friends ignored me and others simply moved away.  It was undoubtedly hard but at the same time some of those friends were getting on my bad side.  I only have about 4 people that I call friends and I'm perfectly fine with that.  The second thing that I realized is my goal to get into college.  At one point I thought about skipping college altogether and I even began slacking in school.  I thought nothing was important and my grades began to slip.  Not to worry because I realized I was being stupid and began to slowly catch myself back up!  Most importantly, this year was a definite improvement from last year.  I feel much happier and do I dare say I'm content with life?  This year was filled with ups and downs but I think my life is finally starting to mellow out.  Even if this lasts for a short while, I'm going to enjoy every second of it.  I'm ready for a summer filled with bonfires, swimming, reading, and working (blegh)!

Dealing with Peer Pressure

A lot of teenagers my age deal with peer pressure.  Typically this is the age where kids start drinking, smoking, trying drugs, or hosting their weekly parties.  Most of my friends have either gotten drunk, gotten high, or smoke on a regular basis and they proudly tell me about it.  "Dude I got so wasted", or the most common one, "dude I was so high that night".  Unfortunately those are my friends and although I don't agree with their choices, I can't do anything about it because I can't control them.  However, I can control what I do and I will say that I've never taken a sip of beer nor have I ever smoked.  Sadly kids like me get talked down upon because we "don't do anything".  I've been called boring because I don't go out and get drunk and make stupid decisions.  And yes I do sometimes stop and think to myself, 'well what if I am that boring?  Is it bad that I don't go out and have fun?'  It's interesting that a lot of people say that we're young and we should go out and have fun.  What constitutes as fun though?  Does fun mean getting shit-faced and barely remembering the night before?  I have no clue, but no matter how many times people tell me to "have fun", I will tell them no.  Part of the reason is because I grew up with an alcoholic dad and I wouldn't want to replicate his behaviors.  Growing up, my mom was also strict with me and my sister so anything we did my mom would know about it.  On the other hand, if I were living with my dad right now I would probably be going out every weekend getting drunk.  For now, I'm trying to stay true to myself but at times I feel like I am boring and limiting myself.  Oh being a teenager...

The Usual, "I have no idea what I want to do with my life," Feelings

I've been researching so much these past few days that I think I've become blinder.  This whole winter break has been productive but at the same time its been counterproductive.  In this post I'll share with you my frustrations and my lack of direction.  Teens my age go through that 'I-have-no-idea-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life' phase and it's really bugging me out.  I've been researching so many different options I can take in life but one thing leads to another and I end up finding a reason NOT to do what I want to do.  Whether it's expenses or questioning whether or not that career is right for me, something always gets in the way.  I've been going through that vicious cycle of finding a plan and then ending up changing it.  What is it with me?  Could it be my fear of taking a risk?  Should I tell myself to shut up and just do it?  I'm not sure... but what I am sure is that this obscurity is torturing me.  I keep telling myself that studying abroad feels like the right decision but I'm held down by the evil necessity of 'money'.  I don't want to be like so many other people and have thousands of dollars in loans but if I want to study abroad then it has to happen.  I'm not privileged with knowing many connections and I'm sure not privileged living with a wealthy family.  Sometimes I wonder if I should just take the easy route and study here in America.  Then the thought of studying in another country pops up and I love the opportunity it brings.  Studying in another country is almost like a fresh start or a beginning of an adventure.  And trust me I've done my homework and researched the place I want to go to.

I hate having to live with uncertainty all the time; especially since I have the least bit of establishment of a plan.  I'm crying out for any help, at least some advice so I won't pull anymore hair out of my scalp.  I guess the only thing I should concern myself with for now is focusing on graduating early so I can focus more on a "plan".  Sigh...

Fresh Start

Before the school year started I had a choice on whether or not I wanted to stay in Iowa.  It was a choice between Iowa or Pennsylvania and I chose to stay in Iowa.  Instead of being forced to go move somewhere else again I finally had the choice on what I wanted to do.  Since I chose to stay here I decided that I had to make this year better.  Last year was a complete disaster and now I'm given a fresh start.  I have an opportunity to correct all my mistakes I made last year and I won't give up just yet.  I'm going to keep all my relationships with me since that was a major reason to why I decided to stay.  I'm keeping all my friends close to me and even a teacher that I trust and occasionally visit.  These are the people that kept me here and I will not forget that.  It's been really hard not to relapse and go back to where I was but when things get rough I remember the things my teacher told me.  He's an adult that believes in me and cares about me which is very dear to me.  If it wasn't for him I would not be this positive.  This is a new start for me and I'm taking full advantage of it.

I'm a junior in high school and time has flown by so quickly.  I started this blog before freshman year and now I'm almost done with school... damn... On the other hand I'll try my best to keep blogging but I'm thinking of creating an entirely new blog and leaving this one behind.  In the mean time I have to balance work, school, and life so yeah wish me luck!

On a Lighter Note

These past few posts have been a little depressing and personal but its been nice to let out some thoughts every once in a while.  Ok so besides all that junk I've been writing about what else have I been accomplishing this summer?  Well I'm getting my license this week so yay me!  I know I said how I think driving is kinda lame but I must admit I was wrong.  Driving isn't as bad as I thought it would be so yeah that's all I'm gonna say about that!  Secondly, I landed myself a job at Hyvee!  It's gonna be my first real, paying job and I'm pretty excited about it.  I'll be working the salad bar which is prepping vegetables, fruits, and other tasks and I'm looking forward to it!  I haven't started yet but in the next week I think I'll be starting, unless orientation is postponed.  As of now things have been getting a little better and hopefully with this job I'll be making rapid lifestyle changes.  I'm actually pretty proud of myself since these are goals that I set since March and having accomplishing them feels pretty good!  That's all I've been doing this summer, besides bike riding and stuff like that.  I'm also going to get back to the blogging world more often than I did.  I know I was on a longer hiatus than I thought I would be but I shall return!  Except this time my posts will be centered around personal growth and my journey.  No longer will I do the ranting style I used to.  I think it's outdated and not that interesting.  So yeah I'm actually really bored right now and I have nothing to do :(.

Father's Day Blues

Father's day passed and for me it symbolized just another day of the week.  One thing that's been bothering me for the past few years has been the lack of a paternal figure.  A father is something irreplaceable and it's something I'm missing.  First off I am proud of my dad for some of the things he's done in his life.  He was a self-taught mechanic and learned through books and hands on experience.  He even opened up his own business that was pretty successful considering he did it all himself.  But there's the "other side" and that's the part I'm struggling to get over.  At times it is hard not having him around, to have that positive male figure sort of hurts.  There are a lot of people that would tell me, "well I lived with a single parent and they bestowed upon me good values and I turned out just fine."  That's you, this is me, we're individuals who have different mental capacities.  It's great that you turned out just fine but not all of us were so lucky.  I miss the days when we played outside and laughed and enjoyed ourselves.  But after learning some of the things he did all those memories are just sugar coated memories.  In reality that was the time when things were falling apart and I didn't even notice.  I think about my dad almost every day and I worry about his health the most.  I worry that one of these days his self-destruction will take a turn for the worst and something bad will happen.  It's an awful way to think but I can't help but worry about him.  As I'm typing this I begin to regret all the negative things I've said or done to him.  The worst thing that I did to him was take advantage of him.  It makes me feel sick that I did something like that but I can't change it now.  In the end all I'm saying in this post is that I miss my dad.  I want to see him again but not in the state that he's in right now.  I want him to first learn responsibility but as of now that's just me being too hopeful.  I love you dad, more than you know, please get healthier and better for the sake of yourself and your children.  We'll be more than happy to see you again if you ever come by...

Love Means Everything

Not romantic love cause that's just corny.  I'm talking about genuine care for another person regardless of anything.  Whether it's family or friends, love can make a difference in a person's life.  When someone cares about you and loves you it's a feeling that's just not expendable.  Neither success nor money can ever be replaced by love from another person.  Children need love the most to develop into healthy young adults.  Children need two loving adults in their life that can provide for their emotional needs.  Having two active adults will give children the opportunity to build trust and communication.  These are traits that are necessary outside of the family circle.  But what happens when only one adult is present?  Is it possible for the child to get attention?  Every situation must be taken individually but if one adult is able to provide then it might be possible.  What if that one adult is too busy?  Then what happens?  As the child emotionally grows up they begin to wonder and analyze why their parents weren't around.  The most common thought is, 'it had to be my fault.'  Fast forward to their teenage years and things begin to get messy.  Communication between the teenager and both parents are badly broken and trust hasn't been built.  As an effect, the teen often lives a double life.  There's the life the parent sees and the hidden life they keep.  Since their emotional needs were not met, a big gap was made, keeping them from connecting with their family.  Teens use other substances to fill the gap, although not always healthy they had to get it from somewhere.  Not all teens abuse substances, some end up with other mental problems that are equally self-destructive.  At the same time, the teen craves attention from an adult.  The only place teens are at for a portion of their lives are at school, thus making them rely on teachers.  Some teens are loud and disruptive, requiring a great amount of attention by the teacher.  Then there are other teens who are just too shy and quiet to speak up that they try their hardest to impress the teacher, just so they could notice them.  Remember those self-destructive behaviors?  Yeah, they're getting worse because home life is twice as stressful as it was before.  Being a teenager you now have a voice and an opinion, creating conflicts between you and the parent.  The communication barrier is getting worse and the relationship is drifting away.  Now comes the side effects: addiction, depression, and low self esteem.  How could have this been reversed?  If only they had the emotional support when they were younger... The teachers they wanted attention from can only provide so much.  For some teens, school is the only place to feel valued and cared for.  It's the one place they think they have some self-worth.  Love can make a big difference in someone's life, without it a person will become bitter and spiteful.  This earth just needs more love.