On a Lighter Note

These past few posts have been a little depressing and personal but its been nice to let out some thoughts every once in a while.  Ok so besides all that junk I've been writing about what else have I been accomplishing this summer?  Well I'm getting my license this week so yay me!  I know I said how I think driving is kinda lame but I must admit I was wrong.  Driving isn't as bad as I thought it would be so yeah that's all I'm gonna say about that!  Secondly, I landed myself a job at Hyvee!  It's gonna be my first real, paying job and I'm pretty excited about it.  I'll be working the salad bar which is prepping vegetables, fruits, and other tasks and I'm looking forward to it!  I haven't started yet but in the next week I think I'll be starting, unless orientation is postponed.  As of now things have been getting a little better and hopefully with this job I'll be making rapid lifestyle changes.  I'm actually pretty proud of myself since these are goals that I set since March and having accomplishing them feels pretty good!  That's all I've been doing this summer, besides bike riding and stuff like that.  I'm also going to get back to the blogging world more often than I did.  I know I was on a longer hiatus than I thought I would be but I shall return!  Except this time my posts will be centered around personal growth and my journey.  No longer will I do the ranting style I used to.  I think it's outdated and not that interesting.  So yeah I'm actually really bored right now and I have nothing to do :(.

Father's Day Blues

Father's day passed and for me it symbolized just another day of the week.  One thing that's been bothering me for the past few years has been the lack of a paternal figure.  A father is something irreplaceable and it's something I'm missing.  First off I am proud of my dad for some of the things he's done in his life.  He was a self-taught mechanic and learned through books and hands on experience.  He even opened up his own business that was pretty successful considering he did it all himself.  But there's the "other side" and that's the part I'm struggling to get over.  At times it is hard not having him around, to have that positive male figure sort of hurts.  There are a lot of people that would tell me, "well I lived with a single parent and they bestowed upon me good values and I turned out just fine."  That's you, this is me, we're individuals who have different mental capacities.  It's great that you turned out just fine but not all of us were so lucky.  I miss the days when we played outside and laughed and enjoyed ourselves.  But after learning some of the things he did all those memories are just sugar coated memories.  In reality that was the time when things were falling apart and I didn't even notice.  I think about my dad almost every day and I worry about his health the most.  I worry that one of these days his self-destruction will take a turn for the worst and something bad will happen.  It's an awful way to think but I can't help but worry about him.  As I'm typing this I begin to regret all the negative things I've said or done to him.  The worst thing that I did to him was take advantage of him.  It makes me feel sick that I did something like that but I can't change it now.  In the end all I'm saying in this post is that I miss my dad.  I want to see him again but not in the state that he's in right now.  I want him to first learn responsibility but as of now that's just me being too hopeful.  I love you dad, more than you know, please get healthier and better for the sake of yourself and your children.  We'll be more than happy to see you again if you ever come by...

Love Means Everything

Not romantic love cause that's just corny.  I'm talking about genuine care for another person regardless of anything.  Whether it's family or friends, love can make a difference in a person's life.  When someone cares about you and loves you it's a feeling that's just not expendable.  Neither success nor money can ever be replaced by love from another person.  Children need love the most to develop into healthy young adults.  Children need two loving adults in their life that can provide for their emotional needs.  Having two active adults will give children the opportunity to build trust and communication.  These are traits that are necessary outside of the family circle.  But what happens when only one adult is present?  Is it possible for the child to get attention?  Every situation must be taken individually but if one adult is able to provide then it might be possible.  What if that one adult is too busy?  Then what happens?  As the child emotionally grows up they begin to wonder and analyze why their parents weren't around.  The most common thought is, 'it had to be my fault.'  Fast forward to their teenage years and things begin to get messy.  Communication between the teenager and both parents are badly broken and trust hasn't been built.  As an effect, the teen often lives a double life.  There's the life the parent sees and the hidden life they keep.  Since their emotional needs were not met, a big gap was made, keeping them from connecting with their family.  Teens use other substances to fill the gap, although not always healthy they had to get it from somewhere.  Not all teens abuse substances, some end up with other mental problems that are equally self-destructive.  At the same time, the teen craves attention from an adult.  The only place teens are at for a portion of their lives are at school, thus making them rely on teachers.  Some teens are loud and disruptive, requiring a great amount of attention by the teacher.  Then there are other teens who are just too shy and quiet to speak up that they try their hardest to impress the teacher, just so they could notice them.  Remember those self-destructive behaviors?  Yeah, they're getting worse because home life is twice as stressful as it was before.  Being a teenager you now have a voice and an opinion, creating conflicts between you and the parent.  The communication barrier is getting worse and the relationship is drifting away.  Now comes the side effects: addiction, depression, and low self esteem.  How could have this been reversed?  If only they had the emotional support when they were younger... The teachers they wanted attention from can only provide so much.  For some teens, school is the only place to feel valued and cared for.  It's the one place they think they have some self-worth.  Love can make a big difference in someone's life, without it a person will become bitter and spiteful.  This earth just needs more love.

End of the School Year

It's that time of year again.  Books are being turned in.  Lockers are getting cleaned out.  The classrooms are entirely stripped from the school year's content.  Teachers are scrambling to finish grading papers.  Summer is in the air and most teenagers are thrilled to finally get away from school.  But what some of us don't realize are the changes happening around us.  Friends are either moving away, getting their licenses, or even getting their first real job.  These are the hints that we're starting to reach the beginning of adulthood.  This year has been difficult, but it has also been enlightening.  I've met new friends and even teachers that have impacted my life.  My friends have taught me lessons that they informally gave to me.  One of my teachers has taught me wonderful lessons on life that I will forever keep in my heart.  This year has been emotional and these changes are instantaneously happening that I can't even keep up.  This last week of school has been the hardest in my life.  There's a possibility that I might be moving again and to say goodbye to some of these people brings me to tears.  They've brought me something that my family has failed to offer and that's--hope. These people that I've known for a short period have been such inspiration to me that I can't even begin to explain why.  For most teenagers, the end of the school year signals joy and freedom.  But for the small part of us it signals a heartbreaking reality.  The reality that things are changing at a painstakingly fast rate and the only thing I can do is accept it.  This summer is so obscure that I can't predict what will happen, maybe that's why I'm so anxious about everything.  One last thing, I hope everyone has an amazing summer and I hope we all accomplish something over the next two months!

Farewell!

I haven't posted in weeks and I think it's time I say farewell to this blog!  I've lost my inspiration to blog but I will be back one day!  School is keeping me way too busy and also I'm joining some extra activities outside of school so I won't have any time to rant and stuff anymore.  I mean I know all 20 of you who read this blog are like totally sad right?  I just don't have time anymore and I lost my rantyness :/.  I'll leave this blog open just in case I decide to drop right back in!  So I say farewell to the blogging world!  You never know when I'll drop in!

Back to School

Today was the first day of school and it was mostly unfamiliar.  I guess it's that transition of being a ninth grader to a tenth that feels so different to me.  People so far haven't really changed, my homeroom is still as annoying as I remembered it last year.  I have two classes in which it's all juniors and seniors which makes me feel pretty alone to be honest.  Today just wasn't that fantastic but tomorrow is when we start getting introduced to class so that's always good.  My goals this year is to work hard and try to make more friends. Honestly it's hard when everyone seems to know each other and you only know like four people.  BUT after watching that film I really need to start getting out there so hopefully they will announce clubs soon.  So yeah my only goal this year is to work as hard as my body can handle and we'll see how that goes!  I'm pretty excited with the rigorous courses this year but that excitement will most likely end in the next week or so.  I hope everyone enjoys their new school year!

Sentimental Talk

I was watching this short film on Youtube about college admission and it has impacted me.  For most of us who are in high school we are concerned about our future and how much high school will affect it.  We think good grades and involvement in clubs will get us to the highest ranked colleges and we think being well rounded is necessary for admission.  But does it really matter if we have all A's or if we are in 20 different clubs?  After watching this film I have finally found an answer: not really.  In my freshman year of high school I felt stressed and I felt like I wasn't doing enough to get in college.  We are taught that colleges want the best of the best but really colleges want a hard working, passionate person.  I'm totally convinced that adults have been telling us the wrong things these past few years.  But the competitiveness in admission to colleges pressures us to strive for the #1 position.  I hate how all we are worried about are grades when we don't focus on ourselves and what we are passionate about.  But first I'll share you a personal story.  I was a stressed out person in my first year of high school.  I had high expectations of myself and from others.  I had be the best and rise out on top.  Because of these high expectations I stressed out about every small thing.  I stressed out about time, homework, studying, test scores, report cards, and most importantly my behavior.  I had nightmares at night that I didn't finish homework or a teacher is yelling at me or I failed a test... it was horrifying!  I had dreams about my school and it was a recurring theme.  I would freak out if I had a B in a test or on my report card when in all actuality it didn't matter because it's still a good grade!  These expectations stressed me out that I felt angry and frustrated at myself for not doing better.  And whenever someone congratulated me on getting good grades I felt nothing.  I didn't feel accomplished or joyful I felt nothing.  I didn't feel like I worked hard to get that joy that I look for.  I mean it isn't hard to get A's sometimes and that's what made me feel like I wasn't trying my best.  Having good grades and joining a lot of activities won't guarantee you a spot in a good college, it's the passion and drive you have for something that gets you where you want to be and it has taken me years to figure that out.  The passion I want to pursue is psychology and I strongly believe that Yale is the right place for me.  I devoured their website and whenever I enter it I feel excited that one day I could (hopefully) be apart of it.  They even say on their website that they want an essay that tells them who we really are.  I don't want to be known as that kid who always got straight A's, I want to be the kid who was known for his passion to learn psychology.  Finally I understand what I have to do to enjoy my high school years and that is to do things that I enjoy doing.  I'm not going to take rigorous classes solely because colleges want that!  I'm going to take rigorous classes because I want to.  It's the same with clubs, I want to join the Gay and Straight People club because I want the school to be a more friendly atmosphere for the gay community at school.  I want to join tennis because it's a sport I could be good at.  We shouldn't focus on what they want, let's focus on what we want.  It's my high school time and I should be learning and making friends, not staying up at four in the morning studying for an AP class that I don't enjoy.  If you're in high school or you're going to high school I strongly advise you to watch the film, it's truly inspirational and it makes you look at things differently.  Don't take high school for granted, use it as a chance to learn things not to get a couple A's and not learn anything.  I'll rather get a B in a class that I learned a whole bunch rather than get an A and not have worked for it.  Oh my gosh this post is super duper long but I hope you got something out of it.  The film is 28 minutes long so pleeeeease make some time to watch it, you won't regret it.  Stay motivated!

The short film: Congratulations, We Regret to Inform You: the college admissions secret