Monday, January 6, 2014

The Usual, "I have no idea what I want to do with my life," Feelings

I've been researching so much these past few days that I think I've become blinder.  This whole winter break has been productive but at the same time its been counterproductive.  In this post I'll share with you my frustrations and my lack of direction.  Teens my age go through that 'I-have-no-idea-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life' phase and it's really bugging me out.  I've been researching so many different options I can take in life but one thing leads to another and I end up finding a reason NOT to do what I want to do.  Whether it's expenses or questioning whether or not that career is right for me, something always gets in the way.  I've been going through that vicious cycle of finding a plan and then ending up changing it.  What is it with me?  Could it be my fear of taking a risk?  Should I tell myself to shut up and just do it?  I'm not sure... but what I am sure is that this obscurity is torturing me.  I keep telling myself that studying abroad feels like the right decision but I'm held down by the evil necessity of 'money'.  I don't want to be like so many other people and have thousands of dollars in loans but if I want to study abroad then it has to happen.  I'm not privileged with knowing many connections and I'm sure not privileged living with a wealthy family.  Sometimes I wonder if I should just take the easy route and study here in America.  Then the thought of studying in another country pops up and I love the opportunity it brings.  Studying in another country is almost like a fresh start or a beginning of an adventure.  And trust me I've done my homework and researched the place I want to go to.

I hate having to live with uncertainty all the time; especially since I have the least bit of establishment of a plan.  I'm crying out for any help, at least some advice so I won't pull anymore hair out of my scalp.  I guess the only thing I should concern myself with for now is focusing on graduating early so I can focus more on a "plan".  Sigh...