Summer Begins!!

Today was my last day of school and I'm officially a senior!  Except my senior year is cut really short because I'll be graduating early in November.  In reality I have 3 months of school and then I'm done with high school!  I'll still be going to the graduation ceremony and receiving my diploma.  In order to conclude this year, I'm going to recap some of the important things I've learned this year.  The first thing that comes to mind is the amount of friendships I lost this year.  Some of those friends ignored me and others simply moved away.  It was undoubtedly hard but at the same time some of those friends were getting on my bad side.  I only have about 4 people that I call friends and I'm perfectly fine with that.  The second thing that I realized is my goal to get into college.  At one point I thought about skipping college altogether and I even began slacking in school.  I thought nothing was important and my grades began to slip.  Not to worry because I realized I was being stupid and began to slowly catch myself back up!  Most importantly, this year was a definite improvement from last year.  I feel much happier and do I dare say I'm content with life?  This year was filled with ups and downs but I think my life is finally starting to mellow out.  Even if this lasts for a short while, I'm going to enjoy every second of it.  I'm ready for a summer filled with bonfires, swimming, reading, and working (blegh)!

Dealing with Peer Pressure

A lot of teenagers my age deal with peer pressure.  Typically this is the age where kids start drinking, smoking, trying drugs, or hosting their weekly parties.  Most of my friends have either gotten drunk, gotten high, or smoke on a regular basis and they proudly tell me about it.  "Dude I got so wasted", or the most common one, "dude I was so high that night".  Unfortunately those are my friends and although I don't agree with their choices, I can't do anything about it because I can't control them.  However, I can control what I do and I will say that I've never taken a sip of beer nor have I ever smoked.  Sadly kids like me get talked down upon because we "don't do anything".  I've been called boring because I don't go out and get drunk and make stupid decisions.  And yes I do sometimes stop and think to myself, 'well what if I am that boring?  Is it bad that I don't go out and have fun?'  It's interesting that a lot of people say that we're young and we should go out and have fun.  What constitutes as fun though?  Does fun mean getting shit-faced and barely remembering the night before?  I have no clue, but no matter how many times people tell me to "have fun", I will tell them no.  Part of the reason is because I grew up with an alcoholic dad and I wouldn't want to replicate his behaviors.  Growing up, my mom was also strict with me and my sister so anything we did my mom would know about it.  On the other hand, if I were living with my dad right now I would probably be going out every weekend getting drunk.  For now, I'm trying to stay true to myself but at times I feel like I am boring and limiting myself.  Oh being a teenager...

The Usual, "I have no idea what I want to do with my life," Feelings

I've been researching so much these past few days that I think I've become blinder.  This whole winter break has been productive but at the same time its been counterproductive.  In this post I'll share with you my frustrations and my lack of direction.  Teens my age go through that 'I-have-no-idea-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life' phase and it's really bugging me out.  I've been researching so many different options I can take in life but one thing leads to another and I end up finding a reason NOT to do what I want to do.  Whether it's expenses or questioning whether or not that career is right for me, something always gets in the way.  I've been going through that vicious cycle of finding a plan and then ending up changing it.  What is it with me?  Could it be my fear of taking a risk?  Should I tell myself to shut up and just do it?  I'm not sure... but what I am sure is that this obscurity is torturing me.  I keep telling myself that studying abroad feels like the right decision but I'm held down by the evil necessity of 'money'.  I don't want to be like so many other people and have thousands of dollars in loans but if I want to study abroad then it has to happen.  I'm not privileged with knowing many connections and I'm sure not privileged living with a wealthy family.  Sometimes I wonder if I should just take the easy route and study here in America.  Then the thought of studying in another country pops up and I love the opportunity it brings.  Studying in another country is almost like a fresh start or a beginning of an adventure.  And trust me I've done my homework and researched the place I want to go to.

I hate having to live with uncertainty all the time; especially since I have the least bit of establishment of a plan.  I'm crying out for any help, at least some advice so I won't pull anymore hair out of my scalp.  I guess the only thing I should concern myself with for now is focusing on graduating early so I can focus more on a "plan".  Sigh...