Father's Day Blues

Father's day passed and for me it symbolized just another day of the week.  One thing that's been bothering me for the past few years has been the lack of a paternal figure.  A father is something irreplaceable and it's something I'm missing.  First off I am proud of my dad for some of the things he's done in his life.  He was a self-taught mechanic and learned through books and hands on experience.  He even opened up his own business that was pretty successful considering he did it all himself.  But there's the "other side" and that's the part I'm struggling to get over.  At times it is hard not having him around, to have that positive male figure sort of hurts.  There are a lot of people that would tell me, "well I lived with a single parent and they bestowed upon me good values and I turned out just fine."  That's you, this is me, we're individuals who have different mental capacities.  It's great that you turned out just fine but not all of us were so lucky.  I miss the days when we played outside and laughed and enjoyed ourselves.  But after learning some of the things he did all those memories are just sugar coated memories.  In reality that was the time when things were falling apart and I didn't even notice.  I think about my dad almost every day and I worry about his health the most.  I worry that one of these days his self-destruction will take a turn for the worst and something bad will happen.  It's an awful way to think but I can't help but worry about him.  As I'm typing this I begin to regret all the negative things I've said or done to him.  The worst thing that I did to him was take advantage of him.  It makes me feel sick that I did something like that but I can't change it now.  In the end all I'm saying in this post is that I miss my dad.  I want to see him again but not in the state that he's in right now.  I want him to first learn responsibility but as of now that's just me being too hopeful.  I love you dad, more than you know, please get healthier and better for the sake of yourself and your children.  We'll be more than happy to see you again if you ever come by...