Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Tips To Being a Real Man

Being a real man has a ton of steps.  I composed a list of all the steps to becoming Mr. Hyper Masculine!  No need to thank me, you'll see the results instantly.

1. Know everything about sports.
If you know everything about sports than congratulations you just found a group of male friends to hang out with!  When you know everything about sports and so little about the world then that's totally fine.  People actually respect a person who is well educated in sports.  I mean instead of discussing human rights (which isn't important) you can discuss whether or not an athlete should get paid that extra $60,000!  Trust me, discussing sports leads to awesome bonding between you and the guys.

2. The tough guys win.
This is critical in getting a girl, so if you're that desperate please listen up.  Everyone's heard that tough guys win and let me tell you it's true.  The sensitive guys don't stand a chance against the manly men.  A real man shows no emotion.  He's as hardened as stone and don't you forget it!  How does this all connect to getting a girl?  Well I'll explain that now.  Women want a man who has that tough motorcycle look.  He's very chiseled and can beat up anyone who gets in his way.  So please, don't be a baby and cry, toughen up and be a man.

3. Being called "weak" is a major insult.
This is the most critical point to read.  Being called a "pussy" should never be taken lightly.  Remember you want to be perceived as tough not as a weakling.  If you're ever called weak then you should remember to use physical violence because we all know that solves everything.  Oh and don't forget, when someone punches you, you always tell them how weak they punch.  This will make it seem like you have thick skin.

4. The goal is masculinity not femininity.
Everyone knows that a boy is supposed to be blue and a girl is pink.  You want to be seen as masculine right?  Well this means staying away from the curse that is femininity!  Putting other feminine guys down only makes you seem tougher.  It's very simple.  Calling other guys "faggots" or "queers" will most definitely make you a macho man.  Flamboyance is not acceptable.

5. Buy all male products.
Everything you buy must be masculinized.  I'm talking about everything!  Food, bath products, and even clothes.  You must buy things that have masculine written all over it.  So if you borrow lotion from a girl then STOP!  There is lotion just for us guys!  I mean it's still lotion and it provides the same benefits but only with a manlier smell.  Never buy bar soap because most of the time it's feminine smells like cranberry, coconut, and vanilla.

6. Trucks, not dolls.
This is all for you fantastic parents out there who believe gender and sex are the same thing.  If you have a boy then you should buy manly toys like trucks and action figures.  If you're son plays with a doll then don't panic!  He is simply curious but you should discipline him so he won't do it again.  This enhances his masculinity even at such a young age!  And if you want to ensure he stays at this masculine state then force your child to join Boy Scouts.  Boys Scouts only accept the heterosexual, religious, and "normal" men.  Smells like the joyous smell of masculinity if you ask me!

7. Learn to be more dominant.
I've even been told that I need to be more dominant and when I became dominant everyone wanted to be near me!  You should be more dominant with everyone not just your male peers.  Nothing says manly than to be in control!  Raise your voice when necessary (which is most of the time when you don't get your way) and above all be aggressive.

In conclusion, this post has hopefully helped you to become a more manlier man!  I mean seriously nowadays men are becoming so feminine that it makes America look bad.  It is never ok to be feminine when you're a man!  If women want to be more masculine then fine but men should stay masculine, it's in the book of rules written by society.  We must keep traditional gender roles of men in America or then we'll become corrupt and humiliated!

*Sarcasm ends here*

1 comment:

  1. amen /snort that crack me up.