Monday, January 9, 2012
Why I stopped believing: part 1
Ever since I was born I was religious. I went to church on Sundays and I went to a catholic school until 6th grade. When I started this blog I still had my beliefs. But... did I actually believe there was a god? When I was a child did I actually believe? Throughout my life I always questioned god and I forced myself to believe. I was scared to not believe in god or I will go to hell. Not once did I firmly believe in him, I forced myself to think that he is our creator. Of course being in catholic school five times a week, and going to church 2-3 times a week, you feel overwhelmed. So... what brought this radical change? I basically said, "screw it". Why am I forcing myself to believe in something that I don't actually believe in? I worried too much about going to hell and honestly I was afraid. When I expressed myself I felt wretched and dirty, I had to think the way "he" thought. Following the commandments, making sure I wouldn't break them. Why couldn't I form my own beliefs? Why couldn't I eat meat? Why did I have to give up something for lent? Why couldn't I enjoy Christmas without dragging myself to church? Why did I need to be forgiven for my sins? All because I was catholic and that is the way a catholic should live. You know what? No. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about the way I live. I'm not going to partake in something that doesn't make me a better human being.