Why I stopped believing: part 1

Ever since I was born I was religious.  I went to church on Sundays and I went to a catholic school until 6th grade.  When I started this blog I still had my beliefs.  But... did I actually believe there was a god?  When I was a child did I actually believe?  Throughout my life I always questioned god and I forced myself to believe.  I was scared to not believe in god or I will go to hell.  Not once did I firmly believe in him, I forced myself to think that he is our creator.  Of course being in catholic school five times a week, and going to church 2-3 times a week, you feel overwhelmed.  So... what brought this radical change?  I basically said, "screw it".  Why am I forcing myself to believe in something that I don't actually believe in?  I worried too much about going to hell and honestly I was afraid.  When I expressed myself I felt wretched and dirty, I had to think the way "he" thought.  Following the commandments, making sure I wouldn't break them.  Why couldn't I form my own beliefs?  Why couldn't I eat meat?  Why did I have to give up something for lent?  Why couldn't I enjoy Christmas without dragging myself to church?  Why did I need to be forgiven for my sins?  All because I was catholic and that is the way a catholic should live.  You know what?  No.  I shouldn't have to feel guilty about the way I live.  I'm not going to partake in something that doesn't make me a better human being.